All Done Dreamin’….
So here I stand, day 26 of my journey, logging my 3rd blog entry. I promise that we will actually talk about the places I’ve been, and the adventures I’ve had, soon enough. It’s always been my dream to become a writer, and since I quit my job to pursue that dream, a dream is all that it’s been.
If we can jump into the confessional booth for just a hot minute, I’m not great with money, and I’m a chronic procrastinator! I’m sure you already gathered that I’m the latter based on the fact that this is my 3rd blog entry in 26 days! My finances on the other hand, have never really been public knowledge, until now.
My journey brought my back home, to Duluth, MN, to finalize bankruptcy proceedings. That’s right, bankruptcy. One might think I’d be ashamed to admit this, but hell, the president does it all the time, so it’s cool, right? Gross! That is, thankfully, the only thing I have in common with 45!
In all seriousness though, I don’t recommend ever allowing your financial situation to reach this point, but if it does, bankruptcy is actually a wise move to reset your life and rebuild, especially if you don’t own much. think of it like a get out of jail free card. It’s been a very humbling process, however, sharing it with you, is aso, very liberating.
Earlier, I mentioned that I’m not great with money, but for a while, I was ok at it! A year and a half ago, I had savings, a credit score in the mid 700’s, with only a few medical bills, and minimal credit card debt. What happened within a year and half to cause me to drop from ‘100 to 0 real quick?’
Life happened. First, I broke up with my girlfriend, whom I intended to one day make my wife. I moved out of our apartment, and started draining my savings living in hotels. Like most men not ready to deal with our feelings after a break-up, I started drinking the pain away. It wasn’t pain from missing the relationship that got me, it was the guilt I felt for not missing it. I added gambling and cigarettes to the mix for good measure, and smoked tons of weed. To be fair, smoking a ton of weed is probably the equivalent of you saying I ate food yesterday.
As I Healed, and allowed myself to be happy, and I became grateful. Grateful I was strong enough to leave a bad situation, grateful to have control over my life again, and grateful for the personal growth i’d experienced during, and post relationship.
After a short, sober stint to reset the batteries, we can drink to party now! My depression beard is shaved clean, I wore clothes other than sweatpants, I was back!
Over the next summer, I went out all the time, when I on dates, and took vacations I didn’t save for. I was basically over compensating for all the single fuckery I missed while I was in a relationship. From Las Vegas, to Branson, to a gut check moment in Myrtle beach, when all of my cards were maxed out and had to borrow cash from a friend to get thru the rest of the trip.
in the following months, I hit a bit of a dark patch in life after I drummed up some painful, repressed memories from childhood. Throughout November and December, I was very depressed, and felt as if I was barely making it thru each day. My credit card debt added to my bourdons, but it was far from a priority at this point. writing was out of the question, I hadn’t my laptop for anything but binging new girl or the office in months.
After the holidays past, it was time to pick myself back up again! I dealt with the pain, then parted ways, and forgave those who caused it. I was fired up, motivated, and more myself than I’d ever been in my life up to that point. For the first time in my life, I didn’t give two shits about what people thought about me, or who anybody else thinks I should become. for the first time in my life, I loved myself.
During the year leading up to my trip, I made financial plans to get out of debt, save money to self publish the novel I’d started, buy a van, take a road trip to promote said novel, and settle in my eventual final destination of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Over the past year I’ve made excuses, and justified not doing any of that. I was too busy dreamin’.
Summer is here now, and other than the months passing by while I was dreaming, I wasn’t much closer to achieving my dreams. The lease for my apartment ended in May, and I was dead set on leaving town in September, so I stayed with friends for a month, then camped out, couch surfed, and lived in my buick until I found tinkerbelle(my van).
I have a collection of souls in my life I’m grateful to be able to call my chosen family, but I kept the fact that I was living in the back of a buick as quiet as possible. I knew they would just try to help, however I was in this situation because of my grasshopper like tendencies, I’m not the ant, and I’m not a victim.
Uncomfortability, cut with a large portion of humility is the fuel of champions. In the 11th Hour, Tinkerbelle found me, I payed my lawyer fees, cleared all personal debt, and started stacking for the trip. The dream is coming to fruition. How long the dream will last still remains to be seen.
I wasn’t ready to come home yet. I wanted to come back to Duluth a published author, an established blogger with a healthy following, maybe a low grade I.G influencer. Instead, I’m back home, almost out of money, trying to avoid telling people why I’m back so soon, and writing my 3rd blog entry in 26 days!
I was ready to go as soon as I got back, yet I’m still here. I’ve found through my first month of travels, that whenever I’m feeling in a rush, or too focused on what’s next, life finds a way to make me sit still, remain grounded, and accept whatever lesson it’s trying to teach me.
I am all done dreamin’! For months, I’ve justified not writing because I was working so much, and I was trying to soak up the last little bit of my “last” hometown summer with friends. Yesterday, I sat in a small puddle of regret because I’ve wasted so much time that was free of work or social obligations. Time in which, I had nothing but time to focus on my art. Now I’ll have to start finding ways to earn money, then set aside time to create, if I want to keep the adventure going that is.
For whatever reason, I woke up yesterday, very emotionally charged. Nothing on my conscious mind could explain it, but commercials were making me cry, T.v villains were making me irrationally angry, and was genuinely moved by the human experience of fictional characters. I’m pretty sure I was “mansturating”, but either way, I was all up in my feelings, and It was one of those times where you don’t know whats happening, but momma will know what to do!!!
For me, “momma” is my late grandmother; whom was my mother, my grandmother, my best friend, my mentor, and my everything. Now, she is my guardian angel, And my inspiration. She was a writer herself, and was never published. A lot of her works were burned in a house fire, others never finished. I have to stop dreaming for my grandmas sake.
I’m really good at standing in my own way, but for my grandma, I can do anything! I’ve got to make it, and carry on the legacy she started. I needed to return home to remember who I’m doing this for, and to be reminded that it doesn’t matter what happened last month, last year, or what happened for the past 33 year,(I’m 33 years old btw) all that matters is the moment I’m standing in right now!
If this trip ends tommorow, then it was a hell of a ride! If I need to stop and get a job before I finish my book, so what? I’m still going to finish it. and sure, it’d be nice to live everyday without a care in the world besides my art, but I fucked that up! the only thing I can do at this point, is dedicate the freedom I have left to stop dreamin’ and start doin’!
I’ll see ya tomorrow for blog post #4 on day #27 of the rest of my life!
moving slowly from procrastinator, to lollygagger, right before your eyes.